So as you may have guessed if you’ve started my blog I haven’t posted in days.. blogmas has failed, but I’m still gonna write. If a single failure had me stopped in my tracks… I’d never do anything.
My parents used to joke about it, to make it normal. ‘Oh you failed, let’s try again’ and honestly it worked. Until I started comparing myself to my brother. My brother is the smartest person I’ve ever met. Without trying he got a 97.25 ATAR (final year 12 score). That is a lot to live up to, even if you aren’t being pressured to. I started high school with a very high potential. I was in two academic extension classes and had the ability to do well. However because my brother didn’t have to try, I didn’t think I had to. This is my biggest mistake honestly. I should have just done my homework and tried.
That’s not the point of this blog post, though. So I had all this internal pressure and so every time I did something if I didn’t do amazingly, I hated myself. I hated everything I did because of this and so I just didn’t try. I remember in year 8 I had an English poetry assignment, something I genuinely enjoyed, and I put it off for so long they gave me a special exemption so that it wouldn’t be worth as much as it was to the other students, and I got 84%. As soon as the pressure was taken off I did well. However, it wasn’t in the 90% and therefore it wasn’t good enough for me and I just kinda stopped trying.
This continued all the way through high school until I got to year 12. By this point, I didn’t really try but had still been getting decent marks and then year 12 hit me and… I haven’t got my results back but I’ve already considered myself a failure. And I’m weirdly okay with that.